HOW TO PLAY THE HOTEL FANCY DRESS GAME. From the Novel, Career Opportunities, by Ian Hunter.

 HOW TO PLAY HOTEL FANCY DRESS.

Hotel Fancy Dress is a fabled game often played by drunken bands in the early hours of the morning. The idea is to make a costume out of anything you can find. Breaking, bending, and destroying things is allowed within the rules.

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An Excerpt from the Novel, Career Opportunities by Ian Hunter

   Fat Vince stood proudly by the fish tank and waited for teams two and three to arrive back. He rolled his eyes with expectant glee and rung his great fat hands as he awaited the presentation of his prize. Paolo was busy preparing a tray of tequila slammers for the winners and losers. “Here you go Vince’ he cackled as he passed over the glass, “Vince mate, you look like a cunt!”

The throng returned. Jason and Johnny looked sheepish. Frog was in the throes of a mild stroke and had to be supported by Chaz until he found a place to sit down. Paolo handed out the drinks and stood up to salute Vince. "I declare us the winners!"

Vince was in rapture. Two days ago he had beaten Johnny at pool, albeit at the expense of the skin on his arse and the hair on his balls, and now he'd won a game of hotel fancy dress by taking all his clothes off and painting himself in gravy.......At four in the morning. Life was looking up for fat boy, thought Jason.

   The prize giving ceremony had become largely academic due to almost everyone wanting to become very scarce in order to start falsifying a cast iron alibi for their whereabouts, and the ensuing destruction, that had occured over the past quarter of an hour. Vince, however, was made of sterner stuff and eager to find out what he had won. Chaz flopped out on the bed and produced a silver stash box before skinning up a truly humungous joint. He patted the bed and beckoned Vince to join him.

"Now Vince, this is very special stuff. I don't get this out much because it has to be kept in a lead lined box." Vince nodded with total belief. "I want you to have this because you have, without doubt, gone to the most extreme lengths to win such a poxy game, that I have ever seen in my whole fucking life. I want you to know that!"

Vince was so chuffed he looked like he might burst. The only thing that could have made him any more chuffed was if the prize had been the remains of the wedding cake they had just destroyed.

   Vince lit the beast and vanished behind a wall of pungent blue fumes before once more reappearing. He held a lung full before slowly exhaling. He looked at the joint with wonder and spoke in a strained whisper as tears filled his eyes. "Wow!"

It was true to say that Vince was a very occasional dope smoker and strong gear was not something he was used to. He coughed as he thumped his chest and offered it to Chaz "Na, you're alright Geronimo, You have another go."

Vince looked worried but macho pride, supported a sense obligation, gave him the guts to take another colossal lung full. The dual plumes exited his nostrils before he fell off the bed.

The room erupted into giggles as fat boy got to his knees. He leaned on the bed and finally made it to his feet. A twenty stone shit-Buddha towered above them swaying like a palm tree before a small spray of vomit shot from between his pursed lips prompting all to scatter. Johnny screamed at the wobbling colossus. "Vince! Not on my fucking bed!"

Vince's brain was still functioning enough to realize that throwing up on Johnny's bed was about the most stupid thing he could ever do. He staggered left and right, his cheeks bursting with half digested stomach contents. He was going to blow. The only question was where.

The answer came soon enough as Vince wretched and strained. There was gallons of it. Bright orange and acrid. Vince spat and wiped away the last beads of saliva from his face before stumbling off towards the toilet with a guttural groan. The room fell into a deathly silence as they pondered their predicament. All eyes firmly fixed on the contents of Vince’s vast stomach that were gently beginning to settle at the bottom of the fish tank.

It seemed to be an age before anyone spoke. Jason had spent the last few minutes somewhere between trance and anaphylactic shock. Chaz however, seemed a little less concerned, but then again, it wasn't his room. "Anyone want a toke on this?"

Now seemed like a good time to call it a night. In fact now seemed like a good time to call it a life thought Jason.

Frog and Chaz finally took the hint and Jason saw them to the door. He turned as he closed it and stepped over Vince's legs that were sticking out of the bathroom. Johnny and Paolo wandered over and joined him. The once pristine bathroom now looked as if  it had played host to a prison dirty protest. A large percentage of Vince's gravy suit was now on the walls, the toilet and the side of the bath. As for the man himself, he now looked as if he was suffering from some ethnic pigment complaint. Never the less, and despite the loss of his front doormat, he seemed quite happy to remain an unconscious island of blubber in the sea of absolute chaos. Jason tried to focus his mind. “Look, if we get a few hours sleep, maybe we’ll think of something eh?”

Paolo sniggered before rubbing his eyes and yawning. “Yeah maybe we will.” He stretched and walked out into the corridor. “A bit optimistic if you ask me Jase, but by all means feel free to have ago."

Career Opportunities is available at Amazon

Career Opportunities at Amazon. Paperback & Kindle.

Illustrations by Dave Howarth