Sebastian had heard all about Barty Rombolds parties, but seeing it for real was a complete mind fuck. Smoke&Mirrors pranced across his path, dressed in a nurse’s uniform with a piglet on a lead. 'Oooh 'ello! Say hello to my piggy!’ His eyes like fucking saucers.
Tommy Warren caught Sebastian’s eye and beckoned him to join him by the bar. He negated the dancing throng and headed across the floor to where Tommy was standing. Dinner jacket, starched shirt, black tie, and a leather kilt with a dildo for a sporran. The E was well and truly kicking in and Sebastian wasn't sure what was real and what was not. ‘Nice space suit Seb.’ grinned Tommy. Sebastian tried to stop his eyes rolling. 'Nice dildo, Tom.’
Ruby Stone climbed out of her cab and walked up the marble steps. The door man rolled his tongue back in to his mouth and fumbled to tear the corner from her invitation. She floated down the hall and into the ballroom; the door mans eyes drilling into her arse as she went.
Tommy nudged Sebastian’s arm and pointed to the windows that lead out into the garden. They stepped out on to the terrace; three is a magic number, pulsing the night air. Tommy lit a smoke and offered Sebastian the packet. 'What do you make of Ivan?’ he asked. Sebastian lit up and shrugged 'Public school fuck-up with a bad habit,’ He glanced at Tommy. ‘Why, what’s occurring?’ Tommy thumbed his chin and pondered for a second. He wanted to trust Sebastian but he wasn't one hundred percent about him yet. However, last night’s yank slapping had put Sebastian in the hole and it was only thanks to Tommy that Sebastian was not currently in West End Central been handed a GBH. 'Stock is going missing from the shop.’ said Tommy. He looked Sebastian Eliot straight in the eye. What did Sebastian already know? How much had he worked out for himself? What could he say without giving anything away? Tommy Warren broke his chain of thought and raised a finger to Sebastian. He answered his phone and stepped away on to the garden.
Sebastian took the moment to rearrange his faculties. It wasn't easy. Not ten feet away was an ornamental fountain full of dwarves dressed as Elvis, splashing about up to their necks. What was Tommy angling for? Sebastian had worked out the Mega City situation. The pizza vans delivered to the city boys, Tommy had the after-show franchise, and Ivan was the one stop shop for those in the know. Tommy closed his phone and walked back on to the terrace. He had made his decision. He looked at Sebastian. ‘I put a few ounces with Ivan every week. If people can't get hold of me, or the weathers gone cloudy, I'll send them down to him.’ A bombing Elvis dwarf made a huge splash causing them to move. 'Thing is Seb, the gear is getting thinner and the paperwork isn't adding up. The cunt is cutting it too much and he's well behind on the paperwork.’
Why was Tommy surprised, thought Sebastian? Only last night he'd picked up two grams and snorted half a dozen fat ones before he'd left, and none of them had come from his own wrap. Having a massive coke head dealing your shit was like putting an alkie in charge of an offie. You were bound to get some leakage. Tommy Warren lit another cigarette and fixed Sebastian Eliot with his steely eyes. ‘I want you and Max to keep an eye on him for me. Comings and goings, who’s down there a lot; find out if he's in trouble with anyone who might be counter productive to our interests.’ A small pig appeared on the terrace and shat. Tommy Warren slapped Sebastian on the arm. 'I’m off to take a leak.’
There were mini Elvis's with massive heads, dancing in a fountain, and a pig had just parked its breakfast next to the geraniums. Tommy Warren had a dildo hanging from his belt and Sebastian Eliot was dressed like an extra from Blake’s 7. However, one word had just changed everything. ‘Counter productive to OUR interests. Sebastian Eliot had arrived. He had a mandate to act. He had power. Smoke&Mirrors tottered out of the French windows and spotted his pig, before being rugby tackled into an ornamental pond by pissed up dwarfs. This was all getting too much, thought Sebastian. It was time to go back inside.
Ruby Stone was smiling, and laughing, and full of joy. She was dancing with a dashing werewolf and Queen Victoria with a massive moustache. Sebastian squeezed his way across the ballroom. He would avoid Tommy for an hour and let him simmer. He was on the team now so no point in looking too eager to please. The place was jumping. His E was right on the mark. The mirror ball was painting the walls, the room was spinning, and his ego knew no limit. He crushed through the throng, moved the werewolf to one side, and found himself looking at her. Her face six inches from his, her almond eyes locked. Everything went deathly quiet; the music, just a dull and distant thud. Everyone became suspended in their own sick animation. Only they existed. Only her and only him. The room was suddenly empty and they stood looking at each other with an infatuated and quizzical gaze. Sebastian Eliot wanted to drop to his knees and let her kill him right there and then.
‘This is fucking ridiculous' giggled Sebastian, as he climbed down the hatch of the turret and tried to find a vaguely comfy place to sit. A small pig dropped through the hatch and squealed for dear life before hiding in an old ammo box, followed by the expectant balloon that was Mrs Smoke&Mirrors. Tommy Warren followed, giggling his usual dirty laugh, and positioned himself half in, half out. A hatch opened on the front, and from inside a pair of platform heels and fishnet legs could be seen clambering into the driving position. Sebastian racked out the last small line of his coke and did his best to not lose any in the juddering hulk of the new Smoke&Mirrors mobile. Mrs Smoke&Mirrors smiled at him. She was as fit as fuck, but madder than him. ‘Smoke&Mirrors is going to be a dad to twins,’ she beamed. 'But with different mummies!’ She burst out laughing. Sebastian smiled. An armoured car was probably the best place for her.
After several minutes of being thrown around the side streets of South London, Tommy Warren popped his head below the parapet. 'Rozzers.' What a fucking surprise, thought Sebastian. An armoured car driving down Park Lane at 5 am, with North London’s favourite bad boy poking out of the turret, was not going to go unnoticed, when all said and done. He went into his wallet and took out his almost empty wrap, before swallowing it. The armoured car came to a halt and Sebastian tried to listen in to what was happening beyond the tin plate.
'Would you step out of the vehicle, please sir?’
‘Oooh no,’ pleaded Smoke&Mirrors. He looked out of his slot at the bemused copper. ‘Do I have too?’ The copper remained stony faced. ‘Yes sir, you do.’ Smoke&Mirrors sighed loudly and began unfastening his harness; his tone still pleading. ‘I’d rather not, I'm dressed as a nurse.’
There was suddenly the sound of a piggy oink, followed by giggling. The copper looked up with a start. He gave a well practiced groan, 'Someone inside, taking the piss, are we?’ The pig oinked once again, as if to answer. The copper shook his head. ‘Alright, everybody out.’ Tommy Warren lit a smoke and looked over at Sebastian. The look said it all. You first. A calf skin brief case exited the hatch and bounced off the tank and onto the grass verge. Sebastian Eliot donned his space helmet and followed it out. He realized he was still off his tits and the surreal situation had fuelled another spinal rush. He climbed out in to zero gravity and affected a slow motion descent to the verge. He joined Smoke&Mirrors on the kerb; both almost crying in an effort to suppress the laughter, as they waited for the finale.
‘C’mon.’ said the cop, ‘We haven’t got all night!’ Mrs Smoke&Mirrors huffed her way up the turret and beckoned for her husband to help her down to the pavement. Smoke&Mirrors clambered up the side in his platform shoes, ‘Where’s Lulu-Tron?’ he asked, frantically. Mrs Smoke&Mirrors gathered herself together and rested for a second on the side of the armoured car. ‘She’s very frightened, Nursey! She’s done poo poos everywhere.’ The maddest married couple in London finally reached
‘Anyone else in there?’ shouted the cop. The air was suddenly filled with the shrill and panicked squeals of a scared little porker. Sebastian was grinning like a tea drinking chimp. Absolutely anything could happen now, he thought. The fucking Queen could ride by naked on a unicycle and it would not make the current situation any more surreal than it already was. He rocked back on his heels and staggered to catch his balance. Tommy Warren appeared from the turret of the armoured car, resplendent in his dinner jacket, starched shirt and tie, and holding a small squealing piglet.
He fixed the jaw-dropped coppers with a contemptuous steely glare and climbed out; his dildo sporran periodically clanging on the tin plate as he descended. Tommy Warren looked over at Sebastian. ‘Take your helmet off and pass it over 'ere.’ Sebastian continued to cling on for grim death to whatever faculties were still working, and did as he was asked. Tommy Warren dropped Lulu-Tron into the helmet and put it under his arm; her bemused porcine features staring out from behind the orange visor. ‘Now officer, what seems to be the trouble?’
Sebastian gathered his last remaining brain cells and decided to call it a night. It was almost mid day. The cops had found nothing, the armoured car was road legal, and Smoke&Mirrors had only had a couple of halves early on in the night. However, Tommy had not been able to resist accidentally dropping Sebastian’s space helmet, just as they were about to be free to leave the scene. It had taken 15 minutes to recapture Lulu-Tron. She was finally rugby tackled by one of the plod as she had made a dash for The Dorchester.
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