You're In A Bad Way. From the forthcoming Novel, Pseudonyms, by Ian Hunter.











Fat Bob sat on the tube and cursed every cunt he could see.  Them fuckin’ spooks with their fuckin’ jeans half way down their fuckin’ arses. Kids that never fuckin’ shut up, screaming blue murder at some saggy norks excuse for a muva. Her Kappa’s can’t even cover her fuckin’ arse. It was bad enough just having to go north of the fuckin’ river.

Tommy Warren missed out on a new high score. He had stuff on his mind. Sean Mitchum knocked and put his head around the door. Tommy beckoned him in and pointed to the coffee machine. They sat opposite each other on the office sofas, and took a minute. It was Mitchum who broke the silence. ‘So, the Weevil is back in the bread sack?’

Tommy Warren narrowed his eyes and rued the day he had not sent the fucker spinning off into deep space with a dishonourable discharge and no pension. Detective Inspector Daryl Weaver, a copper you could once trust. A copper who understood equilibrium. Weaver knew that his job was made much easier by cutting some slack, and adopting a blind eye to certain people. They would do his policing for him. When the borough of Westminster had put an ASBO on all street drinkers and homeless, they simply upped sticks to the next borough; NW1. Tommy Warren had no intention of allowing the tube station, nor his club queues, to become a place where people spending money might be fleeced or made to feel uncomfortable. Short and sharp. Two good beatings; people who would forever shit into a bag on their hip. However, the message had been received and understood, and the tribe of Super-Brew had packed up their tent and fucked off sharpish.

When all that shit went off with that northern geezer, Tommy had turned to Weevil to smooth it out. Sean had been out of line but it should not have been a big issue. Instead, some cunt decided to see it as a step up in his career. Sean gets a two, Rose gets practically a life sentence, and yours truly spends 3 months on remand.

Tommy Warren had long since realized that accommodating the plod was simply a longer road to them nicking you for more stuff. Detective Inspector Daryl ‘The Weevil’ Weaver had initially been a copper you could do business with. On the odd occasion Tommy’s name had been associated with any investigation, he had arranged a meeting with the Weevil and asked his usual question. ‘How can we sort this out?’ It had been sorted in the same way as always;  an envelope with money in it. However, after Sean and Rose got remanded in custody for that thieving northern cunt, Weevil had changed tack. He had forgotten who had helped make his name, and to whom he owed a debt.

Tommy Warren sipped his coffee and continued to think about what Sebastian had told him. He looked up at Sean Mitchum. ‘I thought Weevil had been transferred to another manor?’ Sean Mitchum lit a smoke and pulled an ashtray towards himself across the coffee table. ‘I’m not sure he was transferred, Tom. I heard a whisper that he was on the sick; an operation or something.’ Tommy Warren sat back in the sofa and continued to think. That would account for why he’d not been spotted feeling collars in recent months. However, it appeared he was back in the saddle once more, and if there was one copper in NW1 with the brass neck to lift a weight of Charlie, it was the Weevil.

Tommy Warren blew out his cheeks and shook his head. ‘I don’t fucking believe this. Ivan gets lifted for some personal and the whole fucking shit storm has just cost me close on thirty five grand.’ Sean Mitchum furrowed his brow. Arithmetic was not his strong point. Tommy Warren rolled his eyes. ‘The gear was worth twenty five grand, all told, and I've had to let that bald headed cunt off with the ten he owed.’ He lit another cigarette and reminded himself that the Weevil nicking the gear was probably the best outcome when all said and done. At least it meant he didn't have to rely on Ivan keeping to his side of the agreement. A few months on remand in Pentonville might have been enough for him to have had second thoughts before it came to trial. Tommy Warren looked at his watch. It was time he was making tracks. ‘Stay here, Sean, I’ll be back in an hour.’

Tommy Warren walked over the road, past the tube station, and crossed the high street. Left into Inverness Street and through the market stalls to towards Bar Solo. Little whistles echoed as he walked between the tarpaulins. ‘You need weed mister?’  The last thing he needed right now was a joint. The next half hour called for a clear head. If Fat Bob had bothered to come all the way from Plumstead, the chances were that tongues had been wagging and south of the river were doing a bit of fishing. Tommy Warren walked in to the bar and scanned the room. Fat Bob was not difficult to spot. Tommy Warren walked over and slid into the booth opposite him. ‘How’s tricks Bob?’

The fat man looked up over the top of his Daily Star. ‘Ello son, Ow’s yer self?’ Tommy Warren gave a vague shrug and smiled. ‘Plodding a long, I suppose.’ He composed himself and took the menu from its holder. ‘What you having, Bob?’ Fat Bob put on his readers and held a menu at arm’s length. He read down the list for a moment. ‘‘I ain’t eatin’ any of this fucking ponced up continental shit.’ He took his readers from his nose ‘A full English and a cuppa tea, son.’

Tommy Warren returned from the counter and slid back in to the booth. ‘I don’t know how you do it, Tom.’ said Fat Bob. Tommy looked bemused. ‘Do what?’  Bob looked around. ’Fuckin’ live around here, son. It’s like fuckin’ wog land.’

Bob was never going to change, thought Tommy. He’d been exactly the same when they’d first met, back in 86. Been sent to an open nick was about as cushy as prison got. Your own room and key, decent food, nice grounds, and practically no bang-up. However, the minute the screws detected anyone being a disruptive influence, or getting the niggle with someone; they were shipped straight back to Brixton and 23 hours a day behind the door. How Bob had managed it was anyone’s guess. Brixton nick had probably refused to have him back.

Tommy Warren nibbled nervously on his smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on toast, as Fat Bob dived head long into his heart attack on a plate. ‘Oi, Tom, you’ll never guess who I bumped in to last week?’ Tommy raised his eyebrows. ‘Only that fucking Nigel cunt that helped us shift all those T.C’s.’ Tommy Warren raised a laugh and took a sip of his latte. ‘You’re joking? I thought he’d have been long gone after that caper. He made enough bunce.’
The TC scam had been Tommy Warren’s induction into the world of south London. At 35 years old he had been handed five years jail, after been nicked with three hundred ecstasy pills in the boot of his car. 

He’d spent the first three months in HMP Brixton, where he’d been cell mates with Fat Bob Wardell. Bob was two years into a seven stretch for money laundering when Tommy had arrived, and they had both got shipped out to Ford open prison on the same day. It was true what they said, thought Tommy. Prison just teaches you to be a better criminal. It doesn’t teach you the error of your ways; it just teaches you not to make the same mistake twice.  He’d been released after thirty months and it hadn’t been long before Fat Bob Wardell had given him a ring and suggested they meet for a pint.

Bob was working for a crew who were about to knock off a bonded warehouse at Gatwick. Their single target was TC’s; traveler’s cheques. It was a proper sawn offs and ski mask affair, by all accounts. They had started up a forklift and lifted two pallets of American Express T.Cs, into the back of a truck and driven out through the fence. Bobs proposal had made Thomas Warren a wealthy man. A few months later, Tommy had been one of several, given the job of converting the traveler’s cheques back into cash. As far as criminal activity was concerned, it didn't get much more appealing. He was to head abroad with a sports bag full of TC’s and convert them back in to cash at every bureau de change and hotel reception he could find. Each week he was to find a bank and have the cash wired to an account in Jersey. When he ran out of TC’s he was to get a flight home. 

The trick was to head for the wealthy parts of Europe. Monte Carlo, the Cote de Azure, Nice; the kind of places were changing up two grand in one go wasn't going to attract any attention. After six weeks of plush hotels and living the high life, Tommy Warren had returned home and claimed his percentage. A hundred grand, just for going on holiday.

Tommy knew this wasn't a social call. Bob hated north of the river almost as much as he hated immigrants. There was no way he had come over the water just for a catch up on old times. The fat man finished his fry up and sat back exhausted. ‘So, Tom, ‘ow are things?’ Tommy Warren wiped his mouth with his napkin. ‘That’s the second time you've asked me that, Bob; Any particular reason?’

Bob knew Tommy Warren was no mug. For the last few years he’d been a good asset. He bought regular weights, he paid his credit off on time and most importantly, he’d always kept his head down. OK, there had been the incident a couple of years back with the kid who’d ended up dead, but the dust had settled on that and things had got back to normal. However, word had got over the water that Tommy might be slipping up and letting things get away from him. That would never do. Tommy Warren had climbed along way up the food chain since the days when he was dealing pills at raves from the boot of his Vauxhall Nova. He knew how it worked and who worked it. They couldn’t afford for a player like Tommy to get careless, or the whole fucking lot might come crashing down. Fat Bob liked Tommy Warren. From the day he’d been banged up with him they had rubbed along just fine, but business was business. To keep a tree strong, you had to prune off a few branches from time to time.

Fat Bob raised his palms and answered Tommy’s question. ‘Just interested, Tom.’ He took a slurp from his mug, ‘You know how it is; rumours go around, but most of the time it’s just cunts stirring the shit pot.’ Fat Bob took another noisy slurp. ‘We’re mates, right? I just came by to make sure everything is OK.’

Tommy Warren gave half a smile and acted none plussed. ‘Everything is fine, Bob. You know how it is, mate; there is always something to deal with, but nothing more than normal.’ He moved his plate and leaned forward on the table. ‘Now get back south of the water and go tell that to the king of the fucking sprout people, alright?’

Tommy Warren saw Fat Bob off at the tube station and thought about what to do. He needed a walk. Who the fuck did that fat cunt think he was kidding?  He owed Bob a lot for getting started, but those fuckers over the water had absolutely no right to start interfering on this manor. What the fuck did they want? They all went fuckin’ purple, the minute they crossed London Bridge, so it wasn’t as if they were planning to bounce him out and run the place themselves. They wouldn’t last five minutes. 

It worked for him because he was in to what was happening. He liked a mod suit; he had the haircut because he liked the haircut. The Underworld was part of this happening because he liked what was happening. What the fuck did south of the river know about Camden Town? They were all still listening to Sham 69, the fuckin’ Muppets.  Fat Bob might have played the, me and you are mates; card but Tommy Warren knew him far too well. Twenty three hours a day for three months, behind the door of Brixton tended to open people up like a book. Fat Bob would clip him for a grand, and he knew it.


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